On what doesn't make a Vintage Thing

Looking back at the machinery that has been featured on this blog as a Vintage Thing, I am rather surprised about the variety. When I started out on my enthusiastic ramblings, I thought high performance cars and motor bikes made by blokes in sheds would make up the vast majority of entries. I did not anticipate the numbers of four-wheel-drive trucks that have sneaked in under the radar. There have even been commercial vehicles - one with only three wheels and all the naff-ness that implies - and even some military vehicles.

What's been going on?

On reconsidering them all I can see that they remain worthy of the title Vintage Thing. For some reason, I like them.

The original intention was to feature Vintage Things that were distinctly esoteric and not featured widely elsewhere on the Internet. I didn't expect to see much in the way of mass-produced vehicles, or 4x4s or commercial vehicles because what interests me most of all are specials, those rare creations made by someone for a specific purpose or just for the hell of it. I like to feel close to the thought processes of the designer and this especially close to one-offs or vehicles made in limited production.

I also had a pretty clear idea of what wouldn't be featured on my Engine Punk blog as a Vintage Thing. Grey porridge family saloons do not interest me and if it’s mass-produced and featured elsewhere then why bother with it?

Naff-ness can be cool but there are limits. I'm an admirer of Laurie Bond and his work but his Mini-cars hold no attraction for me. Many microcars do have something I like, mind, typically the faster ones and some of the adverts are so laughable you can't help but be impressed by the sheer, desperate optimism they display, often in the face of all reasonable expectations.

Question - Are the children apparently running towards this Bond Mk G really running? Or are they being dragged?

No. When it comes to Bonds, the proper place for a Villers two-stroke engine is in a dirt bike.

Then there are those vehicles that “say something about you as a person.” It can’t be anything positive as far as I’m concerned. These are lifestyle machines. You are making a statement when you buy or drive them and usually that statement is that you’re a complete dick. Some can be driven without being a dick but often these vehicles turn confirmed non-dicks into irrelevant genitalia.

And is making that statement the only reason for these vehicles? Are they bought with the sole intention of impressing others? In effect, are they bought for the benefit of others, like a peer group that displays questionable values?

For a start, I really don't like those lifestyle 4x4's the motor manufacturers would like us to buy because they can charge such a premium for them. And in the US trucks don’t contribute towards a manufacturer’s fuel consumption targets. The Big Three side-stepped the governments targets by getting the public to buy pick ups instead of cars. It’s hardly surprising, then that they are in such crisis now after years of head in the sand management.

Lifestyle SUV's are too ponderous to give driving any enjoyment and they are not so good off road, either. Anyone who has read the excellent book "High and mighty" will have learnt that what lifestyle SUVs "say about their owners" is that they aren't very good drivers and are afraid of the world at large. Lifestyle SUVs have also become associated with obesity. Their owners have come to look like their cars. They might aspire to an active lifestyle but are really just couch potatoes who are so overweight their joints are worn out and they can't get down into a conventional car and would have to step up into something with high ground clearance. Lifestyle SUV's appeal to the "inner reptile". This is marketing speak for the selfish survival instinct. What SUV's really "say" about their owners is not very nice.

Where is the sport or utility in a sport utility vehicle or SUV? Somewhere along the line, these two aspirations seem to have cancelled each other out.

I met one of my girlfriend's friends once who drove around the city of Stuttgart in a Mercedes-Benz 4x4. She said she didn't want one herself, it was expected of some one in her position. What this position could be was never satisfactorily explained to me.

I don't have much enthusiasm for MPVs, either. They seem to be more sociable vehicles than SUVs and I think it is a laudable thing to want to take all your friends around with you. But surely you don't want to do all the time? When one of my mates wanted to go racing go-karts as part of his stag celebrations before getting married, he hired a proper minibus. (He also asked me to drive because I don't drink and every body else did and by bribing me with a free ticket for the go-karts I was more than happy to oblige.)

He didn't buy an MPV to make some sort of statement about his lifestyle or what sort of person he aspired to be. It seems that some people have been successfully persuaded to want to look as if they have so many friends with so many common interests that they need to drive a sexed up minibus. Is it just me or are they driving them alone for most of the time?

The only time I ever see an MPV with more than one occupant, is when they are doing the school run. Then they are packed. It just shows that these parents are unable to get their kids out of bed in time to walk to school. I walked passed a Toyota Space wagon once on a summer's day that had its windows open and it really stank of baby sick. An isolated incident, I know, but that is hardly aspirational and has forever tainted my appreciation of something worthy, worthy but not fun.

So having established that I have no enthusiasm for four wheel drive minibuses, what the hell am I doing by getting excited about UAZ-452s and World War II ambulances?

All I can say is that I know a Vintage Thing when I see one. I am reasonably confident that the Mitsubishi Shogun or a BMW X5 will never be a Vintage Thing. They don’t arouse my curiosity. They seem to be a mis-use of some great engines, which would go better in something lower and lighter. On the other hand, it seems obvious to me that it's only a matter of time before a Land Rover features as on this blog as a Vintage Thing.

Things become less clear when it comes to multi-purpose vehicles. The idea of something highly adaptable makes a lot of sense to me but by the time the market researchers and designers have got together to turn them into an MPV, I don't like that any more. Usually.